I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
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Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Buck naked
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car