Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”