I sexually identify as a hand grenade
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I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
this is the greatest thing ever
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!