“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys