Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
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The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”