[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
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The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Natural selection at its finest
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT