The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
when you are just born a rebel
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.