One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
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the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
checking out some reviews of my local library
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Thursday
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?