*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave