I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
This is my bus stop.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never