Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
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Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.