Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I falcon love using swear birds
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
🤔😂😂
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.