You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Air conditioning – not a fan
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
road rage
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.