There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
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Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Anime is real
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time