Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
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If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce