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Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok