If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
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You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
There’s only one good girl here!
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes