Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
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#parenting
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”