If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
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imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Word!
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.