I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
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Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick