“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
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It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.