Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
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That took me a moment.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…