*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
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I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
watergate? u mean a dam??
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it