My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
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me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!