Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.