Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
the world’s most popular steaming services
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey