me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
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Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.