The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
You Might Also Like
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Based Erika
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.