Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
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My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
This is not me but this is me
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath