Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I identify as an antique shop.