Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
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BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My circle of trust is a meatball
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Rather alarming headline…
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.