She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Love this guy
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?