if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
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Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.