Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
You Might Also Like
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.