FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
it’s the silliest best thing
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?