I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem