Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Ain’t no way
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…