you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
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Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…