A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram