Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
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favorite tropes as memes
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”