7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Welcome
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.