If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
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I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
The Friday File.
Teach your children to beatbox
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.