You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
checking out some reviews of my local library
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?