*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
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[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.