Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
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How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning