If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
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When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.