I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
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I can’t stop watching this.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.