A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
You Might Also Like
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!