Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.