Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
stop
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?